hypocrites + forgiveness

For the past couple of days, I've started reading Surah al-Baqarah but with tafsir this time. To truly try to deepen my understanding and let Allah, swt, speak to me, guide me and give me what is that I specifically need to hear and feel in reference to any given ayah.

Ayats 6-11, seem to speak very thoroughly on disbelievers, especially hypocrites. Those who say they believe but secretly do not. Those who claim they believe in Allah but spread false news. Those who claim to believe in Allah, swt, but are attempting to deceive Allah and his believers with their words when their actions state otherwise. Wolves in sheeps clothing is what they're known as to our Christian sisters and brothers. It's the saying that has kept coming up for me as I read these ayas. It's what and who I've been seeking protection from. It's what I've been praying never comes into my Daughter's life since she was born.

Hypocrites...I'm not going to say are the worst type, but the hardest to interact with. For depending on your heart and level of discernment, they are the hardest to crack. The most difficult in knowing what they're true motives are. Our holy text says they are liars. Because many of them, again according to our Holy text, do not realize it, they genuinely think what theyare saying, what they are doing, how they are moving, what they are spreading is good, is real, is true. It's their authenticity in both belief and disbelief, that makes it so hard, because it not only confuses the mind, but it can confuse the heart. This confusion in of itself creates and spreads doubt. We can try as we may to figure out who it is and where they're at, but we should let Allah, swt, reveal them to us, but we need to pray to be ready when He does. Cause sometimes the hypocrites, those with increased disease, with increased doubt are the closest to us. They are our dearest companions like Ibn Salul to the Prophet, saw. They have been etched into our hearts. And we all know heart strings are the hardest to untie.

Ayah 10 states that, In their hearts is a diseas, which Allah has increased. They will have a painful punishment because they have been lying.

While reading the tafsir on this aya, it is revealed that this aya was revealed as a result of one of our beloved Prophets, saw, closest companions Ibn Salul, plotting to kill him. Allah and His Angels didn't reveal to him at that time exactly who it was but rather the characteristics to look for. Subsequently, Ibn Salul was brutally slaughtered and not at the hands of our Prophet.

But that's not the most interesting part or the part that really made me put my Qur'an down when I fully intended on reading and studying more. It was the part that said Prophet Muhammad, saw, attended his funeral and performed the funeral prayer for him just as he would other muslims. It was recorded in the Sahih that the Prophet said, I was given the choice (to pray for him or not), so I chose. In another narration, the Prophet said, If I knew that by asking (Allah to forgive Ibn Salul) more than seventy times that He would forgive him, then I would do that.

As I quickly approach Ramadan, my eyes were opened, my heart became heavy, still and reflective. How could he forgive someone who was plotting his death? Not even a someone, a companion? An individual that traveled extensively with you? Ate with you? Spread the truth with you? And even more so, how could Prophet Muhammad, saw, do all of that and I'm not even willing to forgive someone who mistreated me, mistreated my daughter or took from her?

This river of thought continued to flow taking me to the depths.

Who am I in this grand scheme of things? Am I really that special that I don't have to forgive? When my beloved Prophet did so and did so, so easily. I am nothing. Who am I to deny forgiveness as if I'm judge and jury. Especially when daily I seek forgiveness from Allah, swt, not just or only in the akhira, in the hereafter, but right here, right now in this dunya.

I am nothing compared to Allah. I'm nothing compared to our Beloved Prophet...I have to figure this out.

We have to forgive.

I have to forgive...*sigh*...

Some way, somehow, we have to, I have to let Allah, swt, deal with them and when He does, still forgive and pray for them just as he did.

But remember forgiveness does not equate to a return, a redo, a comeback into your life. It's a release. It's a clean slate. It's an acceptance. An acceptance of what was and what is. A lesson learned in love and peace.

early revelations

I actually intended for this virtual space from the blog to my podcast to be revealed to the world, in March of this year, but Allah, swt, had other plans. The following words were written in January 2022, barely 3 weeks after I took my shahada.

Raising my cupped hands to Allah as the water flowed was in and of itself and answered prayer. The feeling of cold water falling down my face and little droplets hanging on to the ends of my hair felt like a mini paradise that I simultaneously knew and yet felt foreign all at the same time.

It was then, I truly realized the power of wuddhu.

I had only been a Muslimah for all of one week and some change before my menstrual cycle decided to rear its little head and I had no idea what was in store.

Alhamdulillah, I have a mentor, a guide, a beloved Sistren by my side to give me the 4-1-1. She told me this would be my most vulnerable time, spiritually, and I needed to fortify mySelf. I thought, okay, spiritual attacks aren’t new for me. But this was on a whole notha level.

My cycles are generally mild, both physiologically, mentally and emotionally. At most, I may get medium intense cramps and be really quick to anger no matter who you are.

but this time, this time?!?!?!

While the physical expression was the same, my mental and emotional expressions were not loud, but deep, penetrating and ever persistent, never letting up.

My deepest darkest fears, headaches and worries came bubbling to the surface in full armor. shaytan knew exactly what he was up to and I was completely defenseless or so I thought…

On day one, I was in full blown tears, questioning EVERY single decision, I’ve made. Feeling and thinking that I was an absolute failure in all areas of my life, as a mother, a business owner, a daughter, a woman, a romantic partner, a stepmom and as a muslimah. You know how when you take shahada, your slate is wiped clean, all sins erased? I felt like they were still there with the smirkiest of grins on their faces because I allowed them to. I allowed them back in by committing them yet again.

Instead of allowing mySElf to go down this pit of despair and practically spit on all the blessings, Allah, swt, was bestowing upon me in that very moment, I decided to alchemize them and call upon everything I knew concerning my cycle, energetically and spiritually.

Our cycles, simply put come about as a means to cleanse our wombs in preparation for conception. They are shedding themselves quite literally by letting go ofthe first layer or few layers of our uterine walls revealing a new healthy layer that is viable for conception. As our wombs are the seat of our divine feminine power, they hold EVERYTHING. They are the monthly record keepers we can’t ignore. They hold our herstories. So as such when we are shedding our uterine walls of physical, material toxins, we can also shed the negative though pattersn, energy, and trauma that those layers hold. But only if we choose to, if we work with our cycles to do exactly that.

So when those hard difficult emotions came up for me, I did exactly what my mentor told me to do, I took refuge in Allah. I made dua but I also did the best I could to forgive mySelf for the trauma that I allowed and looked for the lesson that Allah sent with each one.

I transmuted the energy that Allah allowed shaytan to send. The very energy shaytan attempted to use to break me.

Now did I come out this completely unscathed, brand new with all my trauma cleared?

Of course not, is there still much work to do? absolutely, but did I learn something, did I grow, did I add more weapons to my arsenal for next month’s cycle? You better believe it.

Remember my fellow, Muslimahs and Muslim Brothers, Allah sends EVERYTHING for our good, even the very things, others say were cast upon as a curse, as a consequence for a transgression.

But Allah is Ever Merciful and Ever Loving. He wouldn’t give us a test without including a way to alchemize it for our growth, to turn us ever closer to Him.

untitled thoughts

this first year of shahada has been one for the books and while it seemed quite mild at first, I see how Allah, has built a magnificent crescendo. at the beginning of the year or around this time last year, I had a dear Sistren share with me what she saw when she looked at me, what she felt. she responded with a muslimah in the darkness, choking, dying. now, if you’re anything like me, you would find this quite disturbing and I did for so long. I was afraid to talk to her for fear that I would exacerbate what she saw and make it worse. but now coming to the tail end of my first year as a Muslimah, I feel it. I can feel how every situation, every person, every conversation that was had and not had, every thought, every action, every word that has transpired over the past 350 days has led to me having the past few vulnerable, angry, crying, helpless moments over the past few days.

there has been a lot going on in my mental life. my physical life for all it’s worth is beautiful. I have a beautiful roof over my Daughter’s and I’s head. so much space to run, climb and explore. it’s safe and protected. we have food to eat daily. all of our basic needs are met and then some. my Daughter nor I are truly going without. but mentally and emotionally are a completely different story. it’s in times like these where I would attempt to lean as best as any strong willed, prideful, Black woman would on my inner circle, my dearest and closest of friends. in these moments, when I would have needed them most, Allah said, no.

my Sistren went on spiritual retreat and my other friend had their own life and feelings to sort through. I was left alone…or at least that’s what it felt like and still feels like. but I know Allah made it this way for a reason. so I would turn to her instead of them. so I would lean on her instead of them. And so that’s what I’m choosing to do. To pick up my Qur’an instead of my phone. To pick up my tasbih, instead of my phone. To memorize my dikr, instead of my phone. To roll out my prayer rug and raise my hands, instead of my phone.

What’s so crazy and interesting about this is that prior to becoming a Mother, I was on the path to becoming a monk. A solitary one at that. Not having any around never bothered me. I enjoyed my isolation my bi-weekly silent retreats at the ashram, just being with mySelf and Allah. I had absolutely no desire to be near anyone at all, not even family. But maybe that’s the shadow my Baby came to shed light on and dispel. That deep down that’s not what I truly wanted in the end.

tawakkul: an encore

In my latest episode, I shared what my experience in my first year as a muslimah has been like. At the time of recording, I was just trying to get started and didn’t put as much thought into all the points and situations concerning tawakkul that I wanted to present and this is where this “encore” of sorts comes into place.

So what is tawakkul?

Tawakkul is the deep understanding that no matter where you are in life, on top, in the pit, in the darkness, in the light, in love or heartache, in the good, in the bad or even the ugly, that no matter what is happening, has happened or will happen is all the the will of Allah, swt. They always know what’s best for us and the periods of ease and happiness or trial and sufferings have all been divinely decreed and are a part of a much greater plan than we have for ourselves.

Our Holy Text, the Qur’an, makes multiple references to tawakkul. Many of the most common ones, I’m posting below.

“And will provide for him from where he does not expect. And whoever places his trust in Allah, Sufficient is He for him, for Allah will surely accomplish His Purpose: For verily, Allah has appointed for all things a due proportion.” (Quran, 65:3)

“…And put your trust in Allah if you are believers indeed” (Quran, 5: 23)

“The Believers Are Only Those Who, When Allah Is Mentioned, Feel a Fear in Their Hearts and When His Verses Are Recited to Them, They Increase Their Faith; And They Put Their Trust In Their Lord.” (Quran, Surah Al-Anfal)

“And put thy trust in Allah, and enough is Allah as a Disposer of Affairs.” (Surah Al Ahzab 3)

“Indeed, Allah loves those who rely on Him.”

“And put your trust (O Muhammad) in the Ever Living who dies not and glorify His praises, and He is sufficient as the All Knower of the sins of his servants.” (Al - Furqan 25:58)

And so many more.

Though, I haven’t been around or studying for that along. I feel this is the most important skill or concept for us as Muslimahs to cultivate, strengthen and embody. This is something that my fellow Palestinian Muslim Brothers and Sisters are exuding every day in the media. Hence why there are so many people in the West now reading the Qur’an, turning to Islam and ultimately taking shahada.

This dunya is filled with so many trials, challenges, hurdles and pitfalls, that it’s easy for us to grab hold of the “good” and only remember Allah, swt, during the trials. This may possibly be the very reason why we experience so many. But the trick is remembering and relying on Allah, swt, always no matter what is happening in our lives, especially in times of extreme “good” and extreme “bad.”

Here is where I feel the Buddhist core principle of non-attachment is present in Islam. Much in the same way that Siddhartha Gautama advised for his disciples to maintain an equilibrial attitude throughout life. Tawakkul requires the same of us. As I’m writing this, I’m realizing it’s much more than trusting and relying upon Allah, swt, but rather viewing each and every event, conversation, “mistake,” action, thought or occurrence knowing that is neither good nor bad, but rather another step towards nearness to Allah. Every loss is lesson to help us grow. Every triumph a reminder of Allah’s grace. Every heartache a call from Allah that he wants us nearer. Every moment of joy, an example of Allah’s love.

Tawakkul, our deepest and unwavering reliance on Allah is the foundation to entering paradise, right here, right now. How are you choosing to cultivate and strengthen your tawakkul in your life?