hypocrites + forgiveness

For the past couple of days, I've started reading Surah al-Baqarah but with tafsir this time. To truly try to deepen my understanding and let Allah, swt, speak to me, guide me and give me what is that I specifically need to hear and feel in reference to any given ayah.

Ayats 6-11, seem to speak very thoroughly on disbelievers, especially hypocrites. Those who say they believe but secretly do not. Those who claim they believe in Allah but spread false news. Those who claim to believe in Allah, swt, but are attempting to deceive Allah and his believers with their words when their actions state otherwise. Wolves in sheeps clothing is what they're known as to our Christian sisters and brothers. It's the saying that has kept coming up for me as I read these ayas. It's what and who I've been seeking protection from. It's what I've been praying never comes into my Daughter's life since she was born.

Hypocrites...I'm not going to say are the worst type, but the hardest to interact with. For depending on your heart and level of discernment, they are the hardest to crack. The most difficult in knowing what they're true motives are. Our holy text says they are liars. Because many of them, again according to our Holy text, do not realize it, they genuinely think what theyare saying, what they are doing, how they are moving, what they are spreading is good, is real, is true. It's their authenticity in both belief and disbelief, that makes it so hard, because it not only confuses the mind, but it can confuse the heart. This confusion in of itself creates and spreads doubt. We can try as we may to figure out who it is and where they're at, but we should let Allah, swt, reveal them to us, but we need to pray to be ready when He does. Cause sometimes the hypocrites, those with increased disease, with increased doubt are the closest to us. They are our dearest companions like Ibn Salul to the Prophet, saw. They have been etched into our hearts. And we all know heart strings are the hardest to untie.

Ayah 10 states that, In their hearts is a diseas, which Allah has increased. They will have a painful punishment because they have been lying.

While reading the tafsir on this aya, it is revealed that this aya was revealed as a result of one of our beloved Prophets, saw, closest companions Ibn Salul, plotting to kill him. Allah and His Angels didn't reveal to him at that time exactly who it was but rather the characteristics to look for. Subsequently, Ibn Salul was brutally slaughtered and not at the hands of our Prophet.

But that's not the most interesting part or the part that really made me put my Qur'an down when I fully intended on reading and studying more. It was the part that said Prophet Muhammad, saw, attended his funeral and performed the funeral prayer for him just as he would other muslims. It was recorded in the Sahih that the Prophet said, I was given the choice (to pray for him or not), so I chose. In another narration, the Prophet said, If I knew that by asking (Allah to forgive Ibn Salul) more than seventy times that He would forgive him, then I would do that.

As I quickly approach Ramadan, my eyes were opened, my heart became heavy, still and reflective. How could he forgive someone who was plotting his death? Not even a someone, a companion? An individual that traveled extensively with you? Ate with you? Spread the truth with you? And even more so, how could Prophet Muhammad, saw, do all of that and I'm not even willing to forgive someone who mistreated me, mistreated my daughter or took from her?

This river of thought continued to flow taking me to the depths.

Who am I in this grand scheme of things? Am I really that special that I don't have to forgive? When my beloved Prophet did so and did so, so easily. I am nothing. Who am I to deny forgiveness as if I'm judge and jury. Especially when daily I seek forgiveness from Allah, swt, not just or only in the akhira, in the hereafter, but right here, right now in this dunya.

I am nothing compared to Allah. I'm nothing compared to our Beloved Prophet...I have to figure this out.

We have to forgive.

I have to forgive...*sigh*...

Some way, somehow, we have to, I have to let Allah, swt, deal with them and when He does, still forgive and pray for them just as he did.

But remember forgiveness does not equate to a return, a redo, a comeback into your life. It's a release. It's a clean slate. It's an acceptance. An acceptance of what was and what is. A lesson learned in love and peace.