early revelations
I actually intended for this virtual space from the blog to my podcast to be revealed to the world, in March of this year, but Allah, swt, had other plans. The following words were written in January 2022, barely 3 weeks after I took my shahada.
Raising my cupped hands to Allah as the water flowed was in and of itself and answered prayer. The feeling of cold water falling down my face and little droplets hanging on to the ends of my hair felt like a mini paradise that I simultaneously knew and yet felt foreign all at the same time.
It was then, I truly realized the power of wuddhu.
I had only been a Muslimah for all of one week and some change before my menstrual cycle decided to rear its little head and I had no idea what was in store.
Alhamdulillah, I have a mentor, a guide, a beloved Sistren by my side to give me the 4-1-1. She told me this would be my most vulnerable time, spiritually, and I needed to fortify mySelf. I thought, okay, spiritual attacks aren’t new for me. But this was on a whole notha level.
My cycles are generally mild, both physiologically, mentally and emotionally. At most, I may get medium intense cramps and be really quick to anger no matter who you are.
but this time, this time?!?!?!
While the physical expression was the same, my mental and emotional expressions were not loud, but deep, penetrating and ever persistent, never letting up.
My deepest darkest fears, headaches and worries came bubbling to the surface in full armor. shaytan knew exactly what he was up to and I was completely defenseless or so I thought…
On day one, I was in full blown tears, questioning EVERY single decision, I’ve made. Feeling and thinking that I was an absolute failure in all areas of my life, as a mother, a business owner, a daughter, a woman, a romantic partner, a stepmom and as a muslimah. You know how when you take shahada, your slate is wiped clean, all sins erased? I felt like they were still there with the smirkiest of grins on their faces because I allowed them to. I allowed them back in by committing them yet again.
Instead of allowing mySElf to go down this pit of despair and practically spit on all the blessings, Allah, swt, was bestowing upon me in that very moment, I decided to alchemize them and call upon everything I knew concerning my cycle, energetically and spiritually.
Our cycles, simply put come about as a means to cleanse our wombs in preparation for conception. They are shedding themselves quite literally by letting go ofthe first layer or few layers of our uterine walls revealing a new healthy layer that is viable for conception. As our wombs are the seat of our divine feminine power, they hold EVERYTHING. They are the monthly record keepers we can’t ignore. They hold our herstories. So as such when we are shedding our uterine walls of physical, material toxins, we can also shed the negative though pattersn, energy, and trauma that those layers hold. But only if we choose to, if we work with our cycles to do exactly that.
So when those hard difficult emotions came up for me, I did exactly what my mentor told me to do, I took refuge in Allah. I made dua but I also did the best I could to forgive mySelf for the trauma that I allowed and looked for the lesson that Allah sent with each one.
I transmuted the energy that Allah allowed shaytan to send. The very energy shaytan attempted to use to break me.
Now did I come out this completely unscathed, brand new with all my trauma cleared?
Of course not, is there still much work to do? absolutely, but did I learn something, did I grow, did I add more weapons to my arsenal for next month’s cycle? You better believe it.
Remember my fellow, Muslimahs and Muslim Brothers, Allah sends EVERYTHING for our good, even the very things, others say were cast upon as a curse, as a consequence for a transgression.
But Allah is Ever Merciful and Ever Loving. He wouldn’t give us a test without including a way to alchemize it for our growth, to turn us ever closer to Him.
